Aside

WOW. It’s been way too long since I’ve posted on here (blame tumblr). I’m finally glad that I do have something worth posting, though this time. Not like I haven’t posted anything unworthy of posting, but this one, dear readers, is going to get rather deep. So, without further ado, press on!

I’ve become entrapped by my own ignorance. Maybe that’s too strong of a word, but honestly, it’s how I feel. I used to be attentive to the world. Watching the news, browsing CNN, even going as far as to reading the newspaper- all of it was practically a habit. So, I found myself sitting awake at 2 am about a month ago, thinking, “What happened?”. Not only did I stop caring about the world and all the crazy things that happens in it, but I just stopped myself completely. I wouldn’t say I was being “Fake”, but I wasn’t allowing myself to progress in all areas that a person should want or be encouraged in. I had reached this point of unconscious behavior, often labeled as depression, in which I would repress everything and head on as if it’s all okay. 

But it’s not. 

And that’s one of the things I’ve been struggling to accept. Where my mother would turn to God and use excuses and misconceptions in his name, I would not. I still have yet to accept the concept of, not God, but the people he’s created. Humanity to me is, in an optimistic view, the borderland between true evil and good. It’s a blend, and what we do or say in the short span of life we’ve been granted..well, that’s what leads us to whatever awaits after death. Oh, look, it’s a topic I wanted to brush upon- not get into it like this. Bringing back the whole “depression” thing, no worries, I am not depressed. I get depressed sometimes, but who doesn’t? I just found myself to be between that depressed and repress-everything state, all unconsciously. And that scared me the most; I didn’t even realize it. How is this related to humanity?

Humanity has 75% to do with it. I think after all those books and news filled my head I began to question why anything was made. Why does anything or anyone still have the will to go on? Who would want to? Let’s all be honest and admit my generation isn’t the most conservative, which isn’t terribly bad or good. With everything changing it’s natural that society would too- but has it been changing for the better or worse lately? I used to think that that the barbaric ages, the crueler torture devices and injustices in the world had, at least, been remotely controlled (I mean no offence or disrespect to those who experience otherwise). America is a great country with many faults- that much I can say- but it’s becoming clearer that there is no true country that can be “good” without failure in some areas. Back to the 75%, well, I’m stressed about what requirements that I feel (almost) obligated to fulfill. The whole peer pressure or societal pressure kicks in more often than I like to admit. 

Too depressing and such a Debby-downer, right? Have no fear. I was going to develop this further and actually make it all connect to my ignorance- which by the way had a lot to do with the whole unconscious depression thing- but let’s end it here. All I can say is that I’m struggling to become better, not because of society anymore, but I want to. With the whole world changing, it’s not satisfactory to pretend like everything’s okay anymore. I don’t want to be stuck like this forever and I’ve been deprived of valuable knowledge. I want change. There. The entire point of this long post. I want change. So, how am I going to get it? 

No clue. But keep reading and maybe you’ll notice it before I realize it’s been happening all along. Maybe you already have or maybe it’s just that I haven’t. Just bear with me, alright? 

Misu ❤

 

 

 

 

Poem Entry

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For my school’s literary magazine, Scroll, I’ve written a poem about…things. I’m not really sure where I wanted it to go, but I think once I finished, it turned out nicely. Enjoy and read it 🙂 Any feedback? Tell me as sincerely and as you mean it. No need to sugar coat any of it, add some cuss words if you feel like it too. 

 

With a beauty surpassed common knowledge

Not much can be seen without the chemicals

Our scientific senses that transmit everything

Everything said to control us- to the brain

Where that single organ defines who we are

But the heart- forever beating to the rhythm

Of our life faintly beating to an organ, by an organ

It is where we are, we declare, left to feel

A bodily excuse for the brain to cast all consequences

Of it controlling how we think, what we do, even then it is

Broadcasting, transmitting what we must do to function

To all within and those barricaded by ourselves externally

Even then, our hearts still ache through a lifetime of eternal pain

Or happiness, or love, or excitement, or frustration, or abandonment

What intrigues us by dormant instincts, which has yet to be defined truly

It is not the brain or our hearts individually recognized- but both of them

Connected and so systematically intertwined

The functions of both which we label down in books

Carrying the weight of just another scientific definition with a scientific purpose

We are not to be looked or thought of as just as

“The Human Anatomy”

Our capability to feel beyond the intercom of the brain

And its’ consequences pushed onto the heart- we endure a lifetime

Think not of it as a life maze to be studied and diagnosed

Our hearts, our brains, our actions, our choices

Think not if it as to be solved, but experienced

We are left to be described and understood as

Noumenon

Misu ❤

My Relationship With Gatsby

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*SPOILERS WITHIN THIS POST. IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK OR SEEN THE MOVIE- DON’T READ THIS

 The relationship I have with this story goes way back in the day, like seventh grade then my eighth and finally, now (my junior year). Hopefully it’ll be the last time I ever have to read this cursed book again. The Great Gatsby written by, none other than my most beloved-and-hated author, F. Scott Fitzgerald. Countless times have I cursed his name and then, as I continued to read his wonderful crap, I came to respect him. It’s a frenemy bond that I’ve come to establish with this particular book, and please, let me tell you why.

First time reading it, I found it romantic and absurdly tragic. In my elementary-state-like-mind I thought of Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship on the same level as Romeo & Juliet’s. It was sweet, maybe too dramatic and unnecessary, but I couldn’t say I would not love a man like Jay Gatsby, Ha. HAHAHAHAHA! All lies.

Second time reading this book, my perspective changed completely. Instead of the focus on how much Gatsby loved Daisy, or vice versa, I found myself criticizing the characters surrounding the two; especially Nick. Although the book is told from his sole perspective, I tend to trust the narrative in story telling, simply because the story wouldn’t be anything at all without them. Just how much could Nick be useless, was all my attention focused on. He pretty much claimed that he “disapproved” of Gatsby throughout the entire end of the book. I’m certain he meant his lifestyle, and maybe self-consciously, his effort into winning Daisy back. So many different theories about Nick took a majority of my collective thoughts to just give it a rest. I did pretty well until the movie came out (ugh. Someone give DiCaprio an award, please) and when my English teacher doomed this book upon my class.

Hopefully my last time reading this book, I’d have to say I had a much deeper insight into the story. I still think Gatsby’s a fool with the rest of the characters, but I’ve realized just how much it signifies what, perhaps, Fitzgerald was trying to say about (and here’s where I can’t draw the line):

– Humans: Our tendencies to have certain instincts or prone-behavioral actions. The capacity of what our minds can make us do and the extent to what control we have over it. Last but not least, the selfishness we tend to possess.

– Class Structures: Need I rant on this? West Egg -> not the rich, so not important. East Egg-> the Rich. VERY IMPORTANT AND BETTER THAN EVERYTHING ELSE BENEATH THEM. Valley of Ashes -> extreme poor, the slums/hood, where we bury our secrets. NYC-> like the valley of ashes but filthier and rich with things to do, like cheat on our wives. A second chance at life that we probably shouldn’t have.

– Life: Just so many I could list here, too many, that I don’t even want to go into.

And that’s the very long and complicated history of Gatsby and I. We had a good run, and we might run into each other again, but I sincerely hope not. As much as I hate and love the book, I don’t think I can handle another perspective change. I just want to leave it’s place in my mind now, as it is. Getting too deep into a book is never healthy; it’s like digging straight down as a dwarf. At some point, you have to realize to just let it go. (errm, cough, Gatsby, cough).

So, now that I’ve given the down low on my book dirt, I’d love to rant with fellow love-haters of Gatsby and all it’s grief. Other than that, keep reading, not living in the past, and loving someone unconditionally even if it’s a little bit mentally distubed.

Misu ❤

Beck’s “Loser”

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Soy un perdedor! I’ve had this song in my head all day. Talk about crazy haha. If you want to sing along, and actually make sense of what the hell he’s singing…. click below:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/beck/loser.html

Enjoy this flashback. If anyone actually knows the meaning about this song let me know, I’ve been knocking my head against a wall trying to figure it out.

Misu ❤

Missing Out

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I think it’s a terrible thing that my high school is focused on sports. Perhaps only on sports, and that irks me so much.

A lot of high schools focus on sports because it’s the biggest thing out there. Lots of athletic kids can get scholarships and recognition for their abilities, and I don’t mind that. Every department in any high school deserves a fair amount of spotlight. It’s not something that I’ll protest about but what is terrible about the thing is all that focus tends to lean towards sports. This leaves the English, arts, math, & science departments left to share whatever scraps are left. What the hell is this shit?

Literally, for my school play, we had to buy the cheapest materials possible in fear of using too much of our “reserves”. Meanwhile, the sport teams are provided with decked out uniforms and promoted more than anything else. Don’t even get me started on the art department. In a way, it is the lack of wealth and interest. I’ll admit I live in a rather poor, but not poverty stricken, community (We’ll just call it the middle between poor and middle-class).

As a parent I could see the appeal to solely support a sport. To be an artist, actor, super math or science genius you would need skill and talent and it costs money. Sports has a fair amount of those necessities as well, but it can be seen as a long-time to short-time career in the future. What parent is willing to see their child struggle to become an actor in today’s society? I bet the chances are slim.

Boiling down again, the focus on sports isn’t given by the school- but the parents as well. This, again, leaves little for other departments. I’m not going to pull a cliché move and say: “If we could just pull together and bla bla bla we can save the school and more”. The thing is, this world is really in the dumps. There was a time when art was appreciated more than anything else, simply because it was beautiful and there wasn’t technology around to make it easier exposed. You’d think it be a good thing…and it can be but it varies (I’ll get to it later). I just want that world back without losing all the good advances we’ve made.

I want my school plays to have good quality, nice props and sets, maybe a new stage (seriously, more than anything else I want that), and the other departments to have enough money. I want them to not have to worry about what they’re going to do about the shortage in spendable money and textbooks. Can’t we have nice things for all the departments?

I’m sure just about everyone has heard these complaints, from students to teachers and public board member alike. Sorry to be a bit of a debby downer everyone.

Misu ❤

Not even

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I don’t even like rap
More like trap
And they laugh
Cuz it’s just beats
But they wouldn’t know
They’re FOBs
Thinking they can dominate
Music industry but they know..
Be an SOB and they’ll achieve
A status like mine
So shut the fuck up
And listen to me shine