The sad truth?

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I’m trying to fill the gap of my insecurities with the words of others
And I want to believe them but society shows I can’t
Be anything other than my imperfections
Belly fat, ugly, alone
Incompetent
Because I don’t know what I want to do with life
College, graduate, in-crowd
Smoke and drink and party
Till the world goes round’
I will always be my imperfections
And until I die my soul
Will always be tortured with selfishness and gaping holes
I fill the emptiness with the words from others
Because if they at least say I’m beautiful
It gives me the tiniest of hope
Sometimes that’s all anybody needs

What Happened to the Magic?

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There are so many wonderful things about Christmas; the gifts, the food, the people, and then there’s a crappy after effect. Like the spiked egg nog, everything tasted fine until it was over. I blame maturing in age on this. Once you grow up everything is either the warm, soft, gooey cookies or the hard-as-coal burnt cookies; then there’s the mix of the two (Of course this is in my perspective. Not everyone, I hope, is like this)

Personally, I find myself growing less attracted to Christmas. The only benefits I see myself truly gaining from is the break from school. I’m just kidding (not the break part! I really love it), there’s always the company and the appreciation aspect of the holiday. There’s no real reason for me not liking Christmas at all except that each year it feels less special. The magic the holiday once held for me seems to decline each year, and I hate it. Some are probably thinking, It’s called growing up. You’re going through a phase. It’s not like you can just stop ageing; but I still don’t like it. All the Santa shenanigans, the classic Christmas movies stuck on replay, and the annoying family traditions they’ve all become quite dull. Maybe I can blame the magic loss on family troubles, the nasty fights between parents and siblings or a parent to parent dispute. It wouldn’t change anything. I’ve had happy Christmas memories, but why can’t I just send this ache away? I’m getting older, my life isn’t where it’s supposed to be, and I’ve realized that all these years my parents have lied to me about Santa (haha :P) What happened to the magic? Where’s all the glee I found as a child in this holiday?

Christmas can mean so much and be better, yet every year I’m probably like this. I’m worried all the time, knowing that after Christmas comes a new year. I’m not focusing on the light of things, instead of thinking “A new year!” I’m on a computer ranting out my personal feels. So, to sum this all up, don’t worry. Stuff your faces with holiday foods or if you’re lacking the magic like me, enjoy this website: http://www.theuselessweb.com/

I wouldn’t want to leave in a Debby Downer manner, therefore, Merry Christmas!!! Give thanks for whoever or whatever you have in life, even if that person is the town drunk, don’t let the holiday magic go out completely. If you’re not feeling it like me this year, it doesn’t matter; make someone else happy! Chances are if you’re not receiving the magic it means you’re chosen to give it. Maybe that’s the only way you can feel all christmas-y!

Lots of Cheer and hope you have a wonderful Christmas & A Happy New Year!

Misu ❤

Got The Blues?

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I’ve got it, and not the musical kind. The “I-really-hate-my-life-but-not-really-I’m-just-really-dissapointed” type would be right on the dot. It’s my own fault too, and an un-organized person, but I can’t say that because I really love that person. I may be the one to blame for my own blues, but it doesn’t mean I won’t complain about it. Today’s the day I’m going to have a rare Debby Downer post.  I’m sad, give me a break.

I paid to see a play,  I actually looked forward to seeing it (not just because I would skip some classes), and I genuinely thought I WOULD go see it. In fact, I’m 100% certain that three people (myself included) didn’t see it at all. It’s not because we were bad or misbehaving. We were good students. The fact-of-the-matter is that there weren’t enough rides.

What kind of person wouldn’t organize enough rides? A very loved person, so no hating on their part. That’s also the biggest problem, me “loving” too much. All three of us stood, awkwardly and utterly embarrassed, on the sidewalk. Two other people had been the same before, which would make up five ride-less students, but they managed. It was my friends and I alone and stranded when suddenly we were given an opportunity.  There was a ride, one seat left, in a car jam-packed with a bunch of students.

I could have gone, really. One of my friends was already on the phone with their parent, asking to be picked up. But I could feel the awkwardness and embarrassment oozing out from us. I thought,” If my friend would go, leaving me alone, I don’t think I would be mad. Maybe disappointed, but I love them a lot, so they can just go.“. I’m not trying to come off as having a hero complex, but that’s literally how I felt. So what if I wanted to see a play? I wasn’t going to leave my friend behind, even if they did, because I can handle awkwardness and embarrassment. I practically am the living reincarnation of the two. I could not bear the thought, though, of leaving a friend to feel the worst thing in the world: alone. 

I played off the offer real smooth, though I really wanted to say yes. This play was on one of my favorite books, so of course some may think “Don’t let your friends stop you” or “You should have just gone”. I get that. This, however, is not (as far as I could see) some once-in-a-lifetime-chance. If there is one thing I know I would regret from this unfortunate event, it would have been leaving my friends behind to fend for themselves. As Sean Lennon has said, “There are only really a few stories to tell in the end, and betrayal and the failure of love is one of those good stories to tell.”

If I had “betrayed” (I feel like it’s too strong for a simple event like this, but I’m no mind reader either. If I had taken that seat, maybe they would have seen it that way) them, then I know I would have done the wrong thing. I have principles, and yes, it’s pretty simple and a bit naive, but it’s my principal after all (get your own, no judging): Do the right thing.

I tend to drift away from my principle, but I am a human. I’m prone to make mistakes. So, knowing that I did the right thing comforts me…but it doesn’t mean that I can’t complain about it. Humans also need to vent and rant.

And so now I’m here. In Study Hall, ranting my feelings to you readers.

Get a chance to see the play “To Kill A Mockingbird” bloggers, readers, and Debby Downers alike.

Misu ❤