WOW. It’s been way too long since I’ve posted on here (blame tumblr). I’m finally glad that I do have something worth posting, though this time. Not like I haven’t posted anything unworthy of posting, but this one, dear readers, is going to get rather deep. So, without further ado, press on!
I’ve become entrapped by my own ignorance. Maybe that’s too strong of a word, but honestly, it’s how I feel. I used to be attentive to the world. Watching the news, browsing CNN, even going as far as to reading the newspaper- all of it was practically a habit. So, I found myself sitting awake at 2 am about a month ago, thinking, “What happened?”. Not only did I stop caring about the world and all the crazy things that happens in it, but I just stopped myself completely. I wouldn’t say I was being “Fake”, but I wasn’t allowing myself to progress in all areas that a person should want or be encouraged in. I had reached this point of unconscious behavior, often labeled as depression, in which I would repress everything and head on as if it’s all okay.
But it’s not.
And that’s one of the things I’ve been struggling to accept. Where my mother would turn to God and use excuses and misconceptions in his name, I would not. I still have yet to accept the concept of, not God, but the people he’s created. Humanity to me is, in an optimistic view, the borderland between true evil and good. It’s a blend, and what we do or say in the short span of life we’ve been granted..well, that’s what leads us to whatever awaits after death. Oh, look, it’s a topic I wanted to brush upon- not get into it like this. Bringing back the whole “depression” thing, no worries, I am not depressed. I get depressed sometimes, but who doesn’t? I just found myself to be between that depressed and repress-everything state, all unconsciously. And that scared me the most; I didn’t even realize it. How is this related to humanity?
Humanity has 75% to do with it. I think after all those books and news filled my head I began to question why anything was made. Why does anything or anyone still have the will to go on? Who would want to? Let’s all be honest and admit my generation isn’t the most conservative, which isn’t terribly bad or good. With everything changing it’s natural that society would too- but has it been changing for the better or worse lately? I used to think that that the barbaric ages, the crueler torture devices and injustices in the world had, at least, been remotely controlled (I mean no offence or disrespect to those who experience otherwise). America is a great country with many faults- that much I can say- but it’s becoming clearer that there is no true country that can be “good” without failure in some areas. Back to the 75%, well, I’m stressed about what requirements that I feel (almost) obligated to fulfill. The whole peer pressure or societal pressure kicks in more often than I like to admit.
Too depressing and such a Debby-downer, right? Have no fear. I was going to develop this further and actually make it all connect to my ignorance- which by the way had a lot to do with the whole unconscious depression thing- but let’s end it here. All I can say is that I’m struggling to become better, not because of society anymore, but I want to. With the whole world changing, it’s not satisfactory to pretend like everything’s okay anymore. I don’t want to be stuck like this forever and I’ve been deprived of valuable knowledge. I want change. There. The entire point of this long post. I want change. So, how am I going to get it?
No clue. But keep reading and maybe you’ll notice it before I realize it’s been happening all along. Maybe you already have or maybe it’s just that I haven’t. Just bear with me, alright?